Young folk from all the nations are gathered together, standing hushed and expectant before the throne of the Great Lord. They are in fear and silence, for he is truly mighty. While they wait, they are scrutinised by his two recording angels, one on the right hand and one on the left, each holding before them books wherein their deeds are written down.
The clouds, looking remarkably like frosted glass, part asunder, and the great lord steps into their midst. He sits upon his mighty throne.
The people fall down in obeisance before him and offer him praise. The Great Lord speaks thus:
“Nah I set you, a task. I said, Get out there and be human beings, in the garden of Eden. So how did you do, did you dress it and keep it, or did you flog it off to developers?”
In tribulation the people wriggle and writhe. They rend their garments and moan.
“Oh Great Lord, we have laboured for you, night and day. And yea, we have been … successful.”
One sly young man speaks up, “I invented an amazing money-spinning idea, Great Lord. Fruit vending.”
The Great Lord is thoughtful.
“I see. So, how did they do, recording angels?”.
The angels answer, “Great Lord, Team Sheep will find thy favour because they have abided in thy ways, but Team Goat made a real hash of it, they picked the fruit and gave it to Adam without charging anything”.
“They charged nuffin?” the Great Lord is angry. “Wotcha playin at? I began selling bicycle clips to French onion sellers. I didn't build up my multi billion pound empire by givin' stuff away.” He ponders, stroking his awesome and unshaven chin.
“Right, well Team Sheep you done all right this time. I have laid on for you a visit to Paradise. You are to enjoy a feast with the saints, nectar, ambrosia, that sort of stuff. And a bit of entertainment on the 'arp. Off you go and I'll see you here next time.”
Team Sheep depart in gladness and joy, embracing and singing the praises of the Great Lord.
“Nah then, Lucifer, you was the team leader. Whose bright idea was it to give away the bleedin apple?”.
“Great Lord, it was she, that woman, who tempted me – and how was I to know she had been tempted by Pantsman Phil in a silly snake costume?” It was all so … tempting”.
“I see, so it was your fault."
Lucifer trembles. "I think ... we needed to adapt our business plan a bit".
"I thought you was a Marketing Manager, Lucifer?”
“I am Great Lord.”
“Well, I didn't want for you to be tempted, Lucifer, I wanted you to do the bloody tempting yourself. You're just a bloody amateur.”
Lucifer is indignant. “But Great Lord, It is only that I am young. Yet I am tough. I am Brand Lucifer. No one can hold a light to me, or match me in any way. Please make me an apprentice unto you, and I will bring you great repute, fabulous riches and Tottenham will get the Olympic Stadium ...”
"Nah, I've seen enough. Off to the eternal flames of hell with you, Lucifer – you're fired!”